Like Tony Soprano’s mother Livia, I read the newspaper obituaries daily. I use a method that saves me some time, because I’m not going to read every one. Referring to the columns in the box at the top of the page, and working from right to left, here’s my method.

  • The “Arrangements” column lists the funeral homes. I don’t want anyone to die ever, but there’s one small funeral home I sort of root for. I like to see it listed once in a while because it means they’re still in business. They’ve done a nice job handling the arrangements for some of my close friends and family members, and it’s good to know they’re still there.
  • I scan the “Age” column next. It’s sad to see young people listed. If they are under, say, 30, it’s extra sad. I read these to get an idea of how they died. Sometimes it takes some reading between the lines; dying at home is a clue. It seems to me that over the last year or two there are far fewer overdose deaths, so kids are getting the news.
  • Next, I scan the “Name” column – no relatives or close friends, so that’s good. Hmm, that one sounds familiar. Let me think.
      • friend of a friend?
      • somebody I know from the neighborhood?
      • that guy from work?
      • the lady who runs that store?
      • somebody from grade school?

Finally, I scan the actual obituary pages, but I don’t read every one. If you want me to read yours, put a picture, or have a weird name. For ladies, the photo from your high school yearbook or wearing your WAC cap is nice. For men, the one in your class A uniform, or the one holding up that prize-winning fish.

See you there!