The year I turned 50, for my birthday I got a ton of crap mail from AARP and everybody else that wanted to make a nickel off my advanced age and vulnerability to illness, death and bad investments. If you’ve made it to 50, you know what I mean.

One mailing in particular ticked me off. I can’t recall the name of the cemetery, so I’ll make one up by borrowing a trope from Seinfeld, let’s call it “The Memorial Gardens of Del Boca Vista”, or DBV for short.

DBV informs me that it’s time to think about my “final arrangements”, and encourages me to select my “final resting place”. They have inside crypts, outside crypts, chapels, gardens, niches inside, niches outside, family rooms, perpetual care. You say you want a rotunda? We’ve got a rotunda! Lock in today’s prices!

Along with the glossy brochure comes a prepaid return postcard to fill out. Among the information it seeks is a multiple-choice section headed “Please check one” that looks something like:

I would like to:
[  ]  take a tour of DBV
[  ]  receive a planning guide about DBV
[  ]  have a representative visit my home and tell me more about DBV

Annoyed, I draw a 4th box, fill in the x, and label it:

[x] have a representative visit my home and give me one last blowjob before I die

I don’t fill in any personal information. I show the postcard to my wife, who worries “What if they find out it’s you?” I tell her “They won’t” and head for the mailbox. Mission accomplished.

But wait, there’s more!

About six weeks later, the phone rings. They have tracked me down, probably because I am the only male on their 50th birthday list who lives in the same zip code as the post office the postcard was returned from.

A woman says “This is Miss so-and-so of DBV. We’re just checking to see if you’ve received our recent brochure in the mail.” There is at least one other person in the room, because I hear stifled laughter in the background. I say “Um, no, I don’t think so.”  Miss so-and-so says “Alright, thank you” and hangs up. My wife says “Who was that?” and I just say “Telemarketer.”